Still alive and kicking - but barely.
Mentally I am swimming at the bottom of the swamp. I truly don't think I have ever felt this low or so out of it. Talked to L about it yesterday and that helped - but not much truthfully. Am focusing on keeping busy at work today and yesterday and work is a whole other issue. My personal turmoil blew up and caused an issue - well the issue was there already, but in my mental state I made it far worse. Yes I was to blame for a lot of it. I should have simply left it alone and ignored it. But I wanted it dealt with and opened the can of worms while in a state of agitation - not a good idea. Time will tell if I have blown it completely. Just minding my business and staying out of trouble is my goal. That sounds awful but I have hurt enough feelings and need to watch my P's & Q's....
Weight is hovering in the same range between 325-330. Not good. I simply can't seem to take the steps mentally to make that damn scale budge. And it won't budge if I am not eating healthy. But today I have done pretty good - time will tell if I can keep it under control the rest of the day.
And that is my goal - TO HAVE ONE DAY, SIMPLY ONE DAY, WHERE I AM IN CONTROL OF ALL THINGS THAT I CAN CONTROL. My mind, my body, my desire to eat, my desire/need to feed the emptiness.
JUST TODAY. ONE DAY.
That I can do... and I am half way to being successful!
Love ya!
Karen
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Monday, February 7, 2011
Monday, 2/7/11
Well here I am - for what it's worth!
I am feeling totally out of it today. Spent the weekend with the grandkids and it was a weekend of eating junk. I had the mentality of hmmm, I can buy what I want to have in the house and eat whatever I want - and so I did! I have not been in that position since May 2008 when I moved out of my house and into the family house. Funny how that old feeling of I can do whatever the heck I want came to life sooo quickly! And knowing it was only 48 hours well heck it was like a feeding frenzy!
I have no idea what the scale says as I was too tired to get up early enough to get on it this morning. I will face it tonight? tomorrow morning? hmmmm not sure on that.
Lunch was a monster Mc'D meal and so not worth it. Its like I am a robot these days when it comes to lunch - I simply go through the drive thru, order a 13, gulp it down and then think what the heck was that about?
Work is unbearably slow and what work I have to do takes no time at all and the things I could be doing to fill the time? I have no desire physically or mentally to do them. So I don't. That attitude seems to be combining with my attitude about my life. Does that make sense? I simply have no desire to do the things I should be doing and so I don't. Period. end of story.
I feel like a mole that is lost in a tunnel undergrown (it is moles that live undergrown, right?) I see the light of day peering down now and then but most of the time I am scrambling around in the dark battling my way in and around and through this maze of tunnels. Its a gloomy feeling. A scarry feeling. I don't like it!
Funny but I feel like its been this way for a couple of years now, maybe even decades. As I look back at the years and how I got where I am today, I can see bits and pieces of how things truly were, and not how I "thought" they were. I was lying to myself along with everyone else. The food was my attempt to bury it all so that I didn't have to face the truth. I could pretend. Well that all came to a halt and in a big way! The house is gone. My finances are kaput! Although I will say that there is a peacefulness in my life with respect to the finances - that's another topic completely!
But the thing is this. I am still trying to bury it all with the food. Its the one thing - the one acceptable thing - that I can still use to bury whatever it is I need to bury! the emotions, the fear, the anger, the loneliness, the boredom, the inability to change, food buries it deep. But its only temporary. It still comes back with a rush and then I have to bury it again.
Maybe that's where this last 30# came from. The attempt to bury the things in my life these past two years. The attempt - inexcuseable and ineffective - to bury my feelings about my life and where it has ended up.
I honestly don't know if I have the strength to stop burying it. I know that taking that step and taking the power away from the food is going to open up the doors to a whole lot of junk! I am not sure what all that junk is going to be and I am not sure I want to even deal with it! But that is what will happen as soon as I stop using the food to bury it all.
Hmmmm, interesting thoughts.
I sit here and think about how I could lose these pounds - and do it FAST! Not eating, liquid diets, some "miracle" all kinds of thoughts keep running through my head trying to find a way out from behind this fat. Except the one thing that would solve it once and for all. Facing myself square in the face and dealing with what it is I am trying to bury.
How do I go about doing that? That's the real question. If I can answer that one, once and for all, and deal with the issues, maybe, just maybe, I can get a handle on the weight. I don't expect to look like a model or have a perfect wonderful body. I simply want to be able to function. To not feel so exhausted that walking across the hall to the other side of the office makes me worn out. I am experiencing that these days.
I am fearing the numbers when I see the doctor in March. The scale. The BP. The blood work numbers. All of it. Those #s represent the truth of what I have done to myself this past year. The truth about what it is I have been doing in using food to bury the things I can't stand to face. I am even contemplating rescheduling the appointment - but I won't do that. I refuse to do that. That is a turn in this journey I am on I refuse to take.
So I guess, for now, I will simply keep trying. What else can I do? To stop trying. To give up. Is to give up on myself. To tell myself I am not worth it. And that is not the case.
I. AM. WORTH. IT!
So keep trying. Keep the faith. And remember .....
I love ya!
I am feeling totally out of it today. Spent the weekend with the grandkids and it was a weekend of eating junk. I had the mentality of hmmm, I can buy what I want to have in the house and eat whatever I want - and so I did! I have not been in that position since May 2008 when I moved out of my house and into the family house. Funny how that old feeling of I can do whatever the heck I want came to life sooo quickly! And knowing it was only 48 hours well heck it was like a feeding frenzy!
I have no idea what the scale says as I was too tired to get up early enough to get on it this morning. I will face it tonight? tomorrow morning? hmmmm not sure on that.
Lunch was a monster Mc'D meal and so not worth it. Its like I am a robot these days when it comes to lunch - I simply go through the drive thru, order a 13, gulp it down and then think what the heck was that about?
Work is unbearably slow and what work I have to do takes no time at all and the things I could be doing to fill the time? I have no desire physically or mentally to do them. So I don't. That attitude seems to be combining with my attitude about my life. Does that make sense? I simply have no desire to do the things I should be doing and so I don't. Period. end of story.
I feel like a mole that is lost in a tunnel undergrown (it is moles that live undergrown, right?) I see the light of day peering down now and then but most of the time I am scrambling around in the dark battling my way in and around and through this maze of tunnels. Its a gloomy feeling. A scarry feeling. I don't like it!
Funny but I feel like its been this way for a couple of years now, maybe even decades. As I look back at the years and how I got where I am today, I can see bits and pieces of how things truly were, and not how I "thought" they were. I was lying to myself along with everyone else. The food was my attempt to bury it all so that I didn't have to face the truth. I could pretend. Well that all came to a halt and in a big way! The house is gone. My finances are kaput! Although I will say that there is a peacefulness in my life with respect to the finances - that's another topic completely!
But the thing is this. I am still trying to bury it all with the food. Its the one thing - the one acceptable thing - that I can still use to bury whatever it is I need to bury! the emotions, the fear, the anger, the loneliness, the boredom, the inability to change, food buries it deep. But its only temporary. It still comes back with a rush and then I have to bury it again.
Maybe that's where this last 30# came from. The attempt to bury the things in my life these past two years. The attempt - inexcuseable and ineffective - to bury my feelings about my life and where it has ended up.
I honestly don't know if I have the strength to stop burying it. I know that taking that step and taking the power away from the food is going to open up the doors to a whole lot of junk! I am not sure what all that junk is going to be and I am not sure I want to even deal with it! But that is what will happen as soon as I stop using the food to bury it all.
Hmmmm, interesting thoughts.
I sit here and think about how I could lose these pounds - and do it FAST! Not eating, liquid diets, some "miracle" all kinds of thoughts keep running through my head trying to find a way out from behind this fat. Except the one thing that would solve it once and for all. Facing myself square in the face and dealing with what it is I am trying to bury.
How do I go about doing that? That's the real question. If I can answer that one, once and for all, and deal with the issues, maybe, just maybe, I can get a handle on the weight. I don't expect to look like a model or have a perfect wonderful body. I simply want to be able to function. To not feel so exhausted that walking across the hall to the other side of the office makes me worn out. I am experiencing that these days.
I am fearing the numbers when I see the doctor in March. The scale. The BP. The blood work numbers. All of it. Those #s represent the truth of what I have done to myself this past year. The truth about what it is I have been doing in using food to bury the things I can't stand to face. I am even contemplating rescheduling the appointment - but I won't do that. I refuse to do that. That is a turn in this journey I am on I refuse to take.
So I guess, for now, I will simply keep trying. What else can I do? To stop trying. To give up. Is to give up on myself. To tell myself I am not worth it. And that is not the case.
I. AM. WORTH. IT!
So keep trying. Keep the faith. And remember .....
I love ya!
Friday, January 28, 2011
Fri 1/28/11
Okay the day has flown by and I am going to make this quick.
Scale this morning 324.0
Snack Monster may have moved out of town. He hasn't been seen much at all the last day or two -- although I did notice some furry little thing running along my fingers as I walked past the M&M bowl at work. Hmmmm hopefully he will be completely gone by Monday.
Had lunch with DD at Rocky's today so another monster meal... I am going to listen to my body tonight and if I am not full - go with drink and yogurt. Time will tell.
I am feeling more positive about my ability to deal with the food and the weight. I may even be ready to take the steps toward "dieting" -- going to work on the whole process this weekend and see what I can come up with.
Will try to get back later and touch base this weekend. I believe daily accountability is going to be needed if I am going to win this battle...
Love ya!
Scale this morning 324.0
Snack Monster may have moved out of town. He hasn't been seen much at all the last day or two -- although I did notice some furry little thing running along my fingers as I walked past the M&M bowl at work. Hmmmm hopefully he will be completely gone by Monday.
Had lunch with DD at Rocky's today so another monster meal... I am going to listen to my body tonight and if I am not full - go with drink and yogurt. Time will tell.
I am feeling more positive about my ability to deal with the food and the weight. I may even be ready to take the steps toward "dieting" -- going to work on the whole process this weekend and see what I can come up with.
Will try to get back later and touch base this weekend. I believe daily accountability is going to be needed if I am going to win this battle...
Love ya!
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Thur 1/27/11
Welcome to another day. Its snowing here today, the nice small fluffy kind of flakes. We have had a bunch of these kinds of snows this year and I have to say, I love it! None of that heavy wet stuff. This is the nice kind. All in all we are having a great winter in my opinion!
Enjoyed my afternoon off yesterday. Got Mom to and from DMV yesterday and it went well getting her ID renewed. Every trip out with her is a challenge in one way or the other. She is always so apologetic that it truly hurts to hear her say how sorry she is for being slow, etc. I watch and wonder, is that me? I have to tell you that as I look down the road at myself in 30 years (I will be her age) I wonder is that me? Its scary! I know Mom has had some health issues and they have contributed to her health condition (loads of mini strokes). Each stroke took a bit more out of her and here she is today. I think about all we have done during her life to treat her medical issues and I frequently wonder, was it worth it?
Don't get me wrong, I would not want to give up one day with her! I have been blessed to have her with me and to be have her be such a significant part of my life. I know not everyone has that ability and it is a blessing. I am thankful that my grandchildren have gotten to know this wonderful woman. That they are building memories of her and our life. It will make them better adults and I could not ask for more. But I think about her life the past 7 or so years. With each day that passes, she is able to do less and less. She is existing these days. Moving around is painful and difficult. She is slow. She sees out of one eye only. She is still able to take care of her own needs and to get herself small meals. But she can't ride in a car for very long as she can't walk when she goes to get out. Traveling is not an option as her body can't handle it. It takes weeks to recover when she gets home. Her daily life consists of sitting in a chair, reading, doing puzzles, watching tv and depending on other people far to much. Its like watching a balloon slowly lose air and getting smaller and smaller and shriveled up with each passing day. Know what those are like? That's her life.
But I wonder? Is that all bad? My own personal point of view is that I definitely do not want to end up like this. I would rather give up seeing the doctor and medical treatment and let God take me naturally then to end up in my final days like this. But what about from her point of view? How does she feel about her life? Maybe she enjoys her life. Maybe this is a perfect world for her. Maybe she is okay with it. I know she mentions she wishes she could help us more, do more - so I think she misses who she once was. How could she not?
So I don't know. Which would be worse? But I do know this. I have one heck of a big disadvantage - 150# of fat! If I continue as I am the chances are that I will not live to the ripe old age of 87. That's something to think about. I tend to think about the here and now. About where I am right this minute. About the aches, pains and what I am doing to myself. I tend not to think about the future or at least that far down the road. I think in small terms - the doctor appointment in March and what the numbers will be - that kind of thing.
Perhaps I need to start thinking about the long term future and how I will handle that. Will I be able to handle that? Hmmmmmm something to think about.
Food yesterday was better. Ate more reasonably - no monster meals!
Goal for today - is to keep the snacking monster at bay (he is falling asleep slow but surely!) and to focus on the water. I have soup for lunch and I am planning on staying in at lunch time so I should not have to fear making a poor choice and grabbing a monster meal at lunch.
Good luck today. Think positive. Think about the long term future and where you want to be in 20 years. To get there - you have to take the steps NOW!!!!!
Love ya!
Enjoyed my afternoon off yesterday. Got Mom to and from DMV yesterday and it went well getting her ID renewed. Every trip out with her is a challenge in one way or the other. She is always so apologetic that it truly hurts to hear her say how sorry she is for being slow, etc. I watch and wonder, is that me? I have to tell you that as I look down the road at myself in 30 years (I will be her age) I wonder is that me? Its scary! I know Mom has had some health issues and they have contributed to her health condition (loads of mini strokes). Each stroke took a bit more out of her and here she is today. I think about all we have done during her life to treat her medical issues and I frequently wonder, was it worth it?
Don't get me wrong, I would not want to give up one day with her! I have been blessed to have her with me and to be have her be such a significant part of my life. I know not everyone has that ability and it is a blessing. I am thankful that my grandchildren have gotten to know this wonderful woman. That they are building memories of her and our life. It will make them better adults and I could not ask for more. But I think about her life the past 7 or so years. With each day that passes, she is able to do less and less. She is existing these days. Moving around is painful and difficult. She is slow. She sees out of one eye only. She is still able to take care of her own needs and to get herself small meals. But she can't ride in a car for very long as she can't walk when she goes to get out. Traveling is not an option as her body can't handle it. It takes weeks to recover when she gets home. Her daily life consists of sitting in a chair, reading, doing puzzles, watching tv and depending on other people far to much. Its like watching a balloon slowly lose air and getting smaller and smaller and shriveled up with each passing day. Know what those are like? That's her life.
But I wonder? Is that all bad? My own personal point of view is that I definitely do not want to end up like this. I would rather give up seeing the doctor and medical treatment and let God take me naturally then to end up in my final days like this. But what about from her point of view? How does she feel about her life? Maybe she enjoys her life. Maybe this is a perfect world for her. Maybe she is okay with it. I know she mentions she wishes she could help us more, do more - so I think she misses who she once was. How could she not?
So I don't know. Which would be worse? But I do know this. I have one heck of a big disadvantage - 150# of fat! If I continue as I am the chances are that I will not live to the ripe old age of 87. That's something to think about. I tend to think about the here and now. About where I am right this minute. About the aches, pains and what I am doing to myself. I tend not to think about the future or at least that far down the road. I think in small terms - the doctor appointment in March and what the numbers will be - that kind of thing.
Perhaps I need to start thinking about the long term future and how I will handle that. Will I be able to handle that? Hmmmmmm something to think about.
Food yesterday was better. Ate more reasonably - no monster meals!
Goal for today - is to keep the snacking monster at bay (he is falling asleep slow but surely!) and to focus on the water. I have soup for lunch and I am planning on staying in at lunch time so I should not have to fear making a poor choice and grabbing a monster meal at lunch.
Good luck today. Think positive. Think about the long term future and where you want to be in 20 years. To get there - you have to take the steps NOW!!!!!
Love ya!
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Wed 1/26/11
Ahhhhh its Wednesday. Hump Day. Half Day. A wonderful day! I am only working a half day today and feel excited at the prospect. Sure I am running errands with mom and dealing with the motor vehicle depart but still, its only a half day of work. YAAAAAAA!
Scale was at 325.2 - up a wee bit this morning.
Snacking monster was pretty much under control yesterday - far better than in the past weeks/months! Making progress there. I have to remember those dang M&Ms at the front desk are NOT CALLING MY NAME when I walk by them! So today my mini-goal is no snacking. None. Nada. Zip. I want to be able to go to bed tonight and know that I was successful with that. Wish me luck!
Now the food. I have been paying attention to what I am eating, but not attempting to limit it in any way right now. That will come with time. I just want to be fully aware of what I am eating and the WHY behind what I am eating. So here is yesterday's menu
Breakfast - cheerios and skim milk (220 c)
Lunch - Rocky's S&P pizza, breadsticks, 32oz soda (1,425)
Dinner - 3 servings Stoffers Grandma's Rice & Chicken Bake (720)
Milk (110), 4 cookies (200)
Desert - Ice Cream Cone (175)
TOTAL CALORIES FOR THE DAY (APPX) 2,850
Hmmmmmm interesting. I was stuffed at the end of the day. In looking at what I ate lunch I picked because I was bored out of my skull at work (lots of that lately), I ate and read a book and both were done with absolutly no attention to what I was doing. I had my food gone in about 20 minutes. Way to fast! Dinner well we are in the midst of redoing the kitchen so living with no sink and only a microwave. We are eating processed foods so we can feed the moms without having to trudge to the bathtub to do dishes. I would have been okay with a much smaller serving. But the food was there and I simply stuffed.
I am finding that my thinking about the why I am eating is giving me some true insight into why I eat. Its never, ever because I am truly hungry. Its always because of something else. I am giving food the power to numb me from feeling whatever it is I am feeling. Its truly a drug!
I am going to keep paying attention to this for the next week or so and see if I can find some kind of pattern or reason behind it.
I have done weight watchers, foodmover, low carb, etc. so many times in the past its not funny. I get obsessed with the food and I lose the pounds easily in the beginning but then I get hung up. Its like the food takes over and I simply stop losing. So I am going to think seriously, long and hard, about my relationship with food and how exactly I can go about losing this weight for the final time. I know its not going to be easy, but it definitely is doable. I just have to figure out whats behind this relationship I have with food.
So enjoy your half day. Enjoy what is around you. Open your eyes to what can be. Be honest with yourself. Most of all? Realize that food is not your savior.
Love ya!
Scale was at 325.2 - up a wee bit this morning.
Snacking monster was pretty much under control yesterday - far better than in the past weeks/months! Making progress there. I have to remember those dang M&Ms at the front desk are NOT CALLING MY NAME when I walk by them! So today my mini-goal is no snacking. None. Nada. Zip. I want to be able to go to bed tonight and know that I was successful with that. Wish me luck!
Now the food. I have been paying attention to what I am eating, but not attempting to limit it in any way right now. That will come with time. I just want to be fully aware of what I am eating and the WHY behind what I am eating. So here is yesterday's menu
Breakfast - cheerios and skim milk (220 c)
Lunch - Rocky's S&P pizza, breadsticks, 32oz soda (1,425)
Dinner - 3 servings Stoffers Grandma's Rice & Chicken Bake (720)
Milk (110), 4 cookies (200)
Desert - Ice Cream Cone (175)
TOTAL CALORIES FOR THE DAY (APPX) 2,850
Hmmmmmm interesting. I was stuffed at the end of the day. In looking at what I ate lunch I picked because I was bored out of my skull at work (lots of that lately), I ate and read a book and both were done with absolutly no attention to what I was doing. I had my food gone in about 20 minutes. Way to fast! Dinner well we are in the midst of redoing the kitchen so living with no sink and only a microwave. We are eating processed foods so we can feed the moms without having to trudge to the bathtub to do dishes. I would have been okay with a much smaller serving. But the food was there and I simply stuffed.
I am finding that my thinking about the why I am eating is giving me some true insight into why I eat. Its never, ever because I am truly hungry. Its always because of something else. I am giving food the power to numb me from feeling whatever it is I am feeling. Its truly a drug!
I am going to keep paying attention to this for the next week or so and see if I can find some kind of pattern or reason behind it.
I have done weight watchers, foodmover, low carb, etc. so many times in the past its not funny. I get obsessed with the food and I lose the pounds easily in the beginning but then I get hung up. Its like the food takes over and I simply stop losing. So I am going to think seriously, long and hard, about my relationship with food and how exactly I can go about losing this weight for the final time. I know its not going to be easy, but it definitely is doable. I just have to figure out whats behind this relationship I have with food.
So enjoy your half day. Enjoy what is around you. Open your eyes to what can be. Be honest with yourself. Most of all? Realize that food is not your savior.
Love ya!
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Tuesday 1/25/11
Well its late in the work day and for a change I had work to do today! It certainly makes a difference when you are busy and don't sit around all day twiddling your thumbs!
Scale this morning showed me at 324.8 - down from yesterday. I was glad to see that! I have to remember not to get hung up on the numbers from that little box but for now I am keeping my eye on it.
Have done well with the snacking monster today - only one handful (about 10) of M&Ms and I am glad about that. Lunch could have been better but again, I am okay with that. No idea what dinner is tonight, truthfully I am not hungry at the moment so we will see.
All in all this was a good day. I am looking forward to curling up in bed tonight watching Biggest Loser and reading a book and an early bed time.
Focus for the rest of the day: no snacking - keep the monster at bay - watch your dinner it should be smaller.
Love ya!
Scale this morning showed me at 324.8 - down from yesterday. I was glad to see that! I have to remember not to get hung up on the numbers from that little box but for now I am keeping my eye on it.
Have done well with the snacking monster today - only one handful (about 10) of M&Ms and I am glad about that. Lunch could have been better but again, I am okay with that. No idea what dinner is tonight, truthfully I am not hungry at the moment so we will see.
All in all this was a good day. I am looking forward to curling up in bed tonight watching Biggest Loser and reading a book and an early bed time.
Focus for the rest of the day: no snacking - keep the monster at bay - watch your dinner it should be smaller.
Love ya!
Monday, January 24, 2011
Monday - 1/24/11
Well the weekend is over with and all in all, I would say it was good.
First of all - I am physically, emotionally and mentally exhausted! We worked on priming and painting the kitchen this weekend. Lots of roller work, lots of overhead work. My body is reminding me of how awful I have been to it. Everything aches! Not sure at this point if it is a good ache or not. But it definitely is reminding me that I am out of shape and killing myself! LISTEN TO IT!!!!!
The emotional and mental exhaustion comes as a result of the phycial exhaustion. I understand that. I truly had a good weekend, kept busy, etc. So being aware of the source of the problem is good at this point.
Now for the numbers. Saturday the scale read 324.0 (yaaa)! Today it read 325.6. Hmmm up 1.6 - now why? Maybe the candy I ate, the chips and cheese sauce, the monster ham sandwich (YUP!) Those both relate to salt and water retention. I am sure that has something to do with it.
My goal for today is still to watch the snacking at work. So I brought things to eat to counter the junk - yogurt, low fat pudding and two low fat cheese sticks. When the MENTAL URGE to eat strikes, I am heading for that. I am going to try to make a good choice food wise at lunch today. Time to slowly but surely get myself heading in the right direction.
SO GOALS FOR THIS WEEK:
KEEP THE FAITH!
First of all - I am physically, emotionally and mentally exhausted! We worked on priming and painting the kitchen this weekend. Lots of roller work, lots of overhead work. My body is reminding me of how awful I have been to it. Everything aches! Not sure at this point if it is a good ache or not. But it definitely is reminding me that I am out of shape and killing myself! LISTEN TO IT!!!!!
The emotional and mental exhaustion comes as a result of the phycial exhaustion. I understand that. I truly had a good weekend, kept busy, etc. So being aware of the source of the problem is good at this point.
Now for the numbers. Saturday the scale read 324.0 (yaaa)! Today it read 325.6. Hmmm up 1.6 - now why? Maybe the candy I ate, the chips and cheese sauce, the monster ham sandwich (YUP!) Those both relate to salt and water retention. I am sure that has something to do with it.
My goal for today is still to watch the snacking at work. So I brought things to eat to counter the junk - yogurt, low fat pudding and two low fat cheese sticks. When the MENTAL URGE to eat strikes, I am heading for that. I am going to try to make a good choice food wise at lunch today. Time to slowly but surely get myself heading in the right direction.
SO GOALS FOR THIS WEEK:
- Continue working at elimiting snacking
- Slowly start thinking about your meal food intake - fast food does not have to mean monster meals!
KEEP THE FAITH!
Friday, January 21, 2011
Jan 21, 2011
Scale read 325.6 this morning! Was excited to see it went down - especially given I didn't change my food that drastically. And then I remembered on the drive to work - I restarted my water pill for BP yesterday. Ran out last Saturday (5 1/2 days before). I am sure that is what was behind my seeing 330.8 on the scale! Now the number is what it is, but it would explain a bit of why the number jumped so much. In any event, its down and I will take it!
Now lets talk about last night. Ate a huge dinner (3 cups of beef stew) and then had a couple of cookies, 3 pieces of chocolate candy, a paper plate full (3 cups) of potato chips and 2 pieces of cheese - all between 5:30 and 7:30. Gee whiz! It wasn't that I was hungry, I was simply out of sorts and food seemed to be the answer. There are times I feel overwhelmed when I walk in the door and have to deal with 4 adults all in their own mental space (or lack thereof). That's the one thing I miss about living on my own. The true solitude.
Today's another day. Another chance. Goal is the same. To get through today without snacking. So remember when you go to the other side of the office - hands out of the candy bowl, no going in the cupboard for anything ... its only 6 hours since its a short day - YOU CAN DO THIS!
Back later.......
Now lets talk about last night. Ate a huge dinner (3 cups of beef stew) and then had a couple of cookies, 3 pieces of chocolate candy, a paper plate full (3 cups) of potato chips and 2 pieces of cheese - all between 5:30 and 7:30. Gee whiz! It wasn't that I was hungry, I was simply out of sorts and food seemed to be the answer. There are times I feel overwhelmed when I walk in the door and have to deal with 4 adults all in their own mental space (or lack thereof). That's the one thing I miss about living on my own. The true solitude.
Today's another day. Another chance. Goal is the same. To get through today without snacking. So remember when you go to the other side of the office - hands out of the candy bowl, no going in the cupboard for anything ... its only 6 hours since its a short day - YOU CAN DO THIS!
Back later.......
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Jan 20, 2011
Its a new day. I have managed during the past 24 to do much better at my goal of not snacking between meals. Truth be told? I have had snacks. But far fewer than in the days and weeks leading up to today. I am going to keep working at this goal until I feel it is under control and that the snacks are not controlling me, that I am not medicating with the snacks. Because right now that is what I am doing. I am using the constant eating (snacking) to stuff something deep down inside. Not sure what that is yet, but I know that's what I am doing. So will keep working on that for now.
Now lets talk about food. Which I really don't want to talk about since food is my addiction. But talk about it I will. Breakfast was good. I had cereal and skim milk so that was good. Now lunch. Was a monster meal. Want to know what a monster meal is? Its 1,080 calories in the form of a Wendy's single hamburger combo (large).
Lord have mercy! I am not going to beat myself up over this yet. It will get better. For now, its one step at a time......
Now lets talk about food. Which I really don't want to talk about since food is my addiction. But talk about it I will. Breakfast was good. I had cereal and skim milk so that was good. Now lunch. Was a monster meal. Want to know what a monster meal is? Its 1,080 calories in the form of a Wendy's single hamburger combo (large).
Lord have mercy! I am not going to beat myself up over this yet. It will get better. For now, its one step at a time......
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